Indian in England

Musings of a student

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Englishman, oh Englishman

VENUE, a semi-detached house in Bournemouth. Fair English Man, who has come to do a bit of plumbing, has cornered Dark Indian Man, who rents a room there.

FEM: “You a student, eh?”

DIM: “Yeah.”

FEM: “Picked up some English yet?”

DIM: “Sorry?”

FEM: “I said, how’s your English going?”

DIM (puzzled): “Not too bad. Why?”

FEM: “You know all the alphabets now?”

DIM (more puzzled): “Uh?”

FEM (speaking slowly): “Have you picked up all the al-pha-bets?”

DIM (seriously puzzled): “Uh, I think I know all the alphabets, yes.”

FEM: “Wonderful! So what comes after ‘S'? Go on, tell us!”

DIM: “Uh, ‘T’, since you ask. Why?”

FEM: “Correct! So how about one?”

DIM (wonderingly): “Huh?”

FEM (in typical English fashion, coming ponderously to the point): “How about making us a cuppa? Go on, there’s a good lad!”

Englishman, oh Englishman, why do you think every foreign student who comes here comes here to learn English?

And Englishman, oh Englishman, why hide behind an 'S' when all you want is tea?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A classic demonstration of a DIM bulb, is what I think this proves. You could have spotted that coming from ten miles afar :--d

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, englishman can be pretty clever sometimes :)

Nice post.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Roman said...

this made my blood boil!

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice one chindu.
They always assume you learn English after coming to that country. You wonder " do you think I speak this fluently after 2 years"
Peeya :-)

4:21 PM  
Blogger Darren G. Lilleker said...

Bet you English was better than his!

Sadly this is the typical patriachal, post-colonial attitude that exists in this country that is essentially racist in a prejudiced way while not being hostile. Next time just make him tea in a more traditional Indian way, that'll piss him off.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Siddhu said...

That was patronising; I hope you added some hemlock into the mix.

A woman once asked me if I was born here. When I asked her how my Peter Sellers accent could fit into Scotland, all she had to say was, 'Oh you speak perfect English'.

No, Ma'am, don't think that's a bleedin' compliment. :P

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So your advice is to visit England, piss everyone off with arrogance and a lack of manners and then go home feeling all smug with the fact that you made so many enemies by not respecting English culture?

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry - The previous comment was meant for the "How to survive the English" blog post. It is not related to the "Englishman, oh Englishman" blog post. My bad.

7:46 PM  
Blogger dalriada ecosse said...

I've had Americans ask me if I had to learn English when I got here. (the U.S.).

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that's not fair. Every other person who's come to our place for little fixes/plumbing etc never asks for anything, infact they even return the tips and reject any offers of cool drinks/etc. They have a huge sense of pride.

10:15 AM  
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