Save Roman

THE reason you haven’t seen me here for a while is I have been busy. Wait till I tell you what I have been up to.

My friend Dr (Almost) Roman and I have decided to do a ‘Bernd’ on the world. Now don’t ask me who’s Bernd. If you don’t know Bernd, you are a net cretin and you don’t deserve to know who Bernd is, just like I was a net cretin and didn’t deserve to know who Bernd was till I found out who Bernd is.

We are doing a Bernd because I need £21,000 urgently. I won’t tell you what I want it for. I honestly won’t let everyone know I intend to contribute to the financial welfare of my university since the poor folks running it cannot survive without my help. You don’t need to sing your own praises, right?

Roman doesn’t need £21,000. But since he is a good sport, he has agreed to accept it. Just so I won’t feel bad, you understand.

So here’s the plan. We put up a web site, ‘Save Roman’. With the following text, duly signed by yours nastily, under a picture of Roman looking cute and helpless:

I swear by God I will extinguish this lovely academic light on New Year's Eve if my account doesn't show a balance of at least £42,000 (half for Roman, half for me) before then.

You can save Roman!!!

I promise I will not just free him, but donate him to a stud farm where he can spend the rest of his life as playboy in a way we would all be jealous of.

There will be snapshots of Roman’s life -- Roman lecturing, Roman seminaring, Roman conferencing, Roman in his car, Roman at home, Roman on the beach… Once you have connected with him completely, and your heart is yearning for him to be on a stud farm, you will each transfer £1 into my account -- or one of you can transfer the whole amount, I don’t mind -- by Paypal.

We will also sell ‘Save Roman’ products online. Virile Roman tees for men, sexy Roman tops for women, trendy Roman tracksuits for men and women, pretty Roman pens for students… We will milk it dry.

Naturally, the Daily Echo will carry a news story. The Guardian will pick it up, and so will the BBC. It will become a world story. The staff and students at the Bournemouth University -- not to mention stud farm owners across the world -- will come to know of it. Pounds will begin pouring in.

Personally I think this will be bigger than the Bernd attempt. Roman has the kind of prowess Bernd can never hope for, and in his case, it should work on two levels.

First, there will be the people who will pay for Roman's release. This includes most biggies in the Bournemouth Media School. It will be a straightforward, above-the-table transaction.

Then there will be those who will pay for his non-release. Naturally, this will be under the table, for which we have made special arrangements. This group -- with me at its head -- comprises people whom Roman gives a complex. This means most people who know him, including all research students in this august institution.

So there we are. I am placing a life in your hands. Save Roman.

PS: In case you are still wondering about Bernd, click here.